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Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Frog Farming
This clever little concept was not one that I came up with; however, when I first heard it I laughed out loud because I knew exactly what it meant. "Frog Farming" is a term used when girls date a frog who is not yet a prince, but hoping to "farm" him into becoming one.
I've been through it, as many of us have, but we don't understand until after we've left the farm, so to speak. A friend of mine is currently in frog-farming mode--hoping that with enough patience, guidance, and "reminders" that he will emerge out of his tadpole ways and claim his crown as prince, thus making her his princess.
We girls are not meant to be "farmers." First of all, we are anatomically incapable of turning a frog into a prince because we are not men. Being a man is learned best by another man. Let me put it this way: Would you want your dad teaching you the latest techniques in makeup application?
Secondly, even if you manage to farm with some result, farmers are ALWAYS attempting to reap a perfect harvest. The last time I checked, the ONLY perfect man to ever walk the earth was Jesus Christ. So while one farmer may see some results, sadly, you will never find perfection--in either a frog OR a prince.
So we choose to let go of the farming, but wait! Suddenly (overnight, really) that frog becomes a prince--with another girl! Another girl is reaping what you have sown? He was not your frog, he was someone else's frog prince. The sad irony is that he never would have NEVER a prince as long as you stayed with him, growing him up along the way.
Guys don't like to be "farmed." It works better when they're grown organically.
I've been through it, as many of us have, but we don't understand until after we've left the farm, so to speak. A friend of mine is currently in frog-farming mode--hoping that with enough patience, guidance, and "reminders" that he will emerge out of his tadpole ways and claim his crown as prince, thus making her his princess.
We girls are not meant to be "farmers." First of all, we are anatomically incapable of turning a frog into a prince because we are not men. Being a man is learned best by another man. Let me put it this way: Would you want your dad teaching you the latest techniques in makeup application?
Secondly, even if you manage to farm with some result, farmers are ALWAYS attempting to reap a perfect harvest. The last time I checked, the ONLY perfect man to ever walk the earth was Jesus Christ. So while one farmer may see some results, sadly, you will never find perfection--in either a frog OR a prince.
So we choose to let go of the farming, but wait! Suddenly (overnight, really) that frog becomes a prince--with another girl! Another girl is reaping what you have sown? He was not your frog, he was someone else's frog prince. The sad irony is that he never would have NEVER a prince as long as you stayed with him, growing him up along the way.
Guys don't like to be "farmed." It works better when they're grown organically.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Tasting The "Goods"
At what point in the dating chronology does one talk about sex?
I was on date #4 with "The Russian." He was extremely intelligent, had a great job, outgoing personality, and was super hot to boot. He even had a funky foreign name. How cool is that?
I invited him over to my place for dinner that I had painstakenly prepared. He showed up with a bouquet of roses. Very sweet. Stimulating conversation paired nicely with the salmon I had made and the white wine that he brought with him.
Talking about sex is always a toughie. The subject had not come up because we had not spent much alone time together. All other dates were around town and not conducive to having "the talk."
We decided to take advantage of the last of the summer heat and went for a romantic stroll outside. We kissed, held hands, grinned at each other and chatted along the way. If there is anything I learned from that night, it was to have "the talk" early on, and not in the midst of a romantic embrace. This was my mistake. Not establishing the boundry early made for an awkward break when the heat turned up. I understand that in today's environment, asking a guy to wait until marriage to have full access to your body is a lot to ask--especially since its given out so freely by so many women.
(Beat) "I would like to wait." (until marriage, I added in my head.) "Yes, waiting is good," he replied in his adorably cute accent. "But I have to taste the goods first before I get married."
Taste the goods??? How romantic! Regardless of how cute his accent was, I didn't think it was romantic in any language.
Despite the nice evening, I felt deflated the next morning. I really liked this guy and our sex talk made me question what I was doing. I had heard derivetives like this from guys before, such as "I have to take her out for a test drive." (Since when did I become a car? Something to be ridden and brought back to the used car lot?)
Is there a guy out there that is going to be willing to honor me by making me his wife before "tasting the goods?" Doubt swam around and around in my head. Yes, there is. It's just rare. Just as someone like me is willing to wait, there HAS TO BE a man out there willing to wait for the perfect time for that level of intimacy.
It's not about being a tease or holding out until "I get what I want," namely marriage. It's all about being honored as a woman who is worth the wait, and a man whole is willing to protect me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Intimacy outside of what God intended messes up my spiritual relationship with God. I feel shame. That has to be a lot of responsibilty and what guy wants that on his plate? We gals need a guy who is going to protect us, and many times it ends up being protection from the guy themselves.
I think the best meals are the ones most anticipated...
I was on date #4 with "The Russian." He was extremely intelligent, had a great job, outgoing personality, and was super hot to boot. He even had a funky foreign name. How cool is that?
I invited him over to my place for dinner that I had painstakenly prepared. He showed up with a bouquet of roses. Very sweet. Stimulating conversation paired nicely with the salmon I had made and the white wine that he brought with him.
Talking about sex is always a toughie. The subject had not come up because we had not spent much alone time together. All other dates were around town and not conducive to having "the talk."
We decided to take advantage of the last of the summer heat and went for a romantic stroll outside. We kissed, held hands, grinned at each other and chatted along the way. If there is anything I learned from that night, it was to have "the talk" early on, and not in the midst of a romantic embrace. This was my mistake. Not establishing the boundry early made for an awkward break when the heat turned up. I understand that in today's environment, asking a guy to wait until marriage to have full access to your body is a lot to ask--especially since its given out so freely by so many women.
(Beat) "I would like to wait." (until marriage, I added in my head.) "Yes, waiting is good," he replied in his adorably cute accent. "But I have to taste the goods first before I get married."
Taste the goods??? How romantic! Regardless of how cute his accent was, I didn't think it was romantic in any language.
Despite the nice evening, I felt deflated the next morning. I really liked this guy and our sex talk made me question what I was doing. I had heard derivetives like this from guys before, such as "I have to take her out for a test drive." (Since when did I become a car? Something to be ridden and brought back to the used car lot?)
Is there a guy out there that is going to be willing to honor me by making me his wife before "tasting the goods?" Doubt swam around and around in my head. Yes, there is. It's just rare. Just as someone like me is willing to wait, there HAS TO BE a man out there willing to wait for the perfect time for that level of intimacy.
It's not about being a tease or holding out until "I get what I want," namely marriage. It's all about being honored as a woman who is worth the wait, and a man whole is willing to protect me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Intimacy outside of what God intended messes up my spiritual relationship with God. I feel shame. That has to be a lot of responsibilty and what guy wants that on his plate? We gals need a guy who is going to protect us, and many times it ends up being protection from the guy themselves.
I think the best meals are the ones most anticipated...
Friday, September 18, 2009
The Blow Off
This is Part Deux of the Texting Houdini.
Chuck was his name and we met for dinner that night. It was nice, but unfortunately there was no connection, which leads me to "The Blow-Off."
This is ALWAYS an awkward situation for a girl. You meet a guy, you go out, but there is no chemistry, or in my case oftentimes, no shared values. Chuck was a great guy, but spiritually not what I wanted in a man.
One of my favorite movies is "He's Just Not That Into You." I love that line where Justin Long's character says something along the lines of "I know what a blow-off looks like, I do it fast, I do it often." Herein lies the key: Do it fast. If you know that there is nothing with the guy, let him know so that he can meet the right person. If I could add anything, I would say "I just do it gently."
Usually a next day emailed response says something like this: "Thank you so much for dinner. I had a great time. (Always good to be appreciative of them buying you dinner.) I just did not feel a romantic connection." NEVER say I did not feel a physical connection i.e. this tells a guy that he is ugly and guys are sensitive too. Would you want to hear that? I am sorry, but you're too fat??? "I wish you the best in meeting the right person." Isn't this was it's all about? If he is not the right guy for you, then he is the right guy for the right girl--just don't damage him in the process and turn him off from dating.
Chuck was his name and we met for dinner that night. It was nice, but unfortunately there was no connection, which leads me to "The Blow-Off."
This is ALWAYS an awkward situation for a girl. You meet a guy, you go out, but there is no chemistry, or in my case oftentimes, no shared values. Chuck was a great guy, but spiritually not what I wanted in a man.
One of my favorite movies is "He's Just Not That Into You." I love that line where Justin Long's character says something along the lines of "I know what a blow-off looks like, I do it fast, I do it often." Herein lies the key: Do it fast. If you know that there is nothing with the guy, let him know so that he can meet the right person. If I could add anything, I would say "I just do it gently."
Usually a next day emailed response says something like this: "Thank you so much for dinner. I had a great time. (Always good to be appreciative of them buying you dinner.) I just did not feel a romantic connection." NEVER say I did not feel a physical connection i.e. this tells a guy that he is ugly and guys are sensitive too. Would you want to hear that? I am sorry, but you're too fat??? "I wish you the best in meeting the right person." Isn't this was it's all about? If he is not the right guy for you, then he is the right guy for the right girl--just don't damage him in the process and turn him off from dating.
Texting Houdini
This was by far the WORST dating (or non-dating) experience I have ever had.
I met the Texting Houdini (TH) online. We emailed a few times back and forth and then it progressed to text messaging. In hindsight, (ALWAYS 20/20!!!) a guy who is not willing to actually pick up the phone and call is not a good sign. Sure, maybe he is shy, I thought to myself--at first...
We texted back and forth and I tried to engage him in some form of conversation so that would actually lead to a phone call and potentially a date. Interests, hobbies, we vigoriously texted one night--I asked him if he was a red wine drinker or a white wine drinker. "red" he responded. "And u?" Red, always red wine. White is nice in summer with fish. (I love to cook salmon and drink white wine.)
He set up our date via text. This should have been a flag for me, but so new to the online thing, I overlooked it. We decided to meet for church first and then go out to lunch afterwards. I thought to myself, this is a great start to a relationship! Going to church!
As the service started, we chatted a bit here and there. As soon as the sermon began however, TH stated that he "would be back in a few minutes." Maybe he had to pee? I sat in the entire sermon alone. He made his re-entry in the last few minutes as the worship and sermon were wrapping up. Odd. He missed the ENTIRE sermon. (Another flag, and yet I ignored it.)
As he walked me to my car, we agreed where to meet. "I was thinking CPK, since it's closer to where you live," he said. "And also, you can have your wine." MY WINE??? Another flag went up but I couldn't decipher the color. Who drinks wine at lunchtime on a date? I thought this was an odd comment, but I chose to ignore it. " CPK is great, " I said. "They have some great salads." MY WINE??? I was still swallowing that insert.
We hopped into our respective cars and headed out to CPK. As I pulled into the parking lot, I received a message from TH reading: "Hey, a friend needs me to pick him up at the airport right now. Sorry, but I have to cancel. Call u later." WT HECK? I guess he figured I would sit at CPK with my wine and forget about him. Maybe I should have.
I went home feeling soooo rejected from my non-date. As soon as I got home, I had a message from another guy for dinner that night, which lifted my spirits a bit. I guess you could say that I had a "double date header", but I still consider the first half of that Sunday a non-date.
LESSON LEARNED: Date a guy who wants to pick up the phone and get to know you before you go out with him.
I met the Texting Houdini (TH) online. We emailed a few times back and forth and then it progressed to text messaging. In hindsight, (ALWAYS 20/20!!!) a guy who is not willing to actually pick up the phone and call is not a good sign. Sure, maybe he is shy, I thought to myself--at first...
We texted back and forth and I tried to engage him in some form of conversation so that would actually lead to a phone call and potentially a date. Interests, hobbies, we vigoriously texted one night--I asked him if he was a red wine drinker or a white wine drinker. "red" he responded. "And u?" Red, always red wine. White is nice in summer with fish. (I love to cook salmon and drink white wine.)
He set up our date via text. This should have been a flag for me, but so new to the online thing, I overlooked it. We decided to meet for church first and then go out to lunch afterwards. I thought to myself, this is a great start to a relationship! Going to church!
As the service started, we chatted a bit here and there. As soon as the sermon began however, TH stated that he "would be back in a few minutes." Maybe he had to pee? I sat in the entire sermon alone. He made his re-entry in the last few minutes as the worship and sermon were wrapping up. Odd. He missed the ENTIRE sermon. (Another flag, and yet I ignored it.)
As he walked me to my car, we agreed where to meet. "I was thinking CPK, since it's closer to where you live," he said. "And also, you can have your wine." MY WINE??? Another flag went up but I couldn't decipher the color. Who drinks wine at lunchtime on a date? I thought this was an odd comment, but I chose to ignore it. " CPK is great, " I said. "They have some great salads." MY WINE??? I was still swallowing that insert.
We hopped into our respective cars and headed out to CPK. As I pulled into the parking lot, I received a message from TH reading: "Hey, a friend needs me to pick him up at the airport right now. Sorry, but I have to cancel. Call u later." WT HECK? I guess he figured I would sit at CPK with my wine and forget about him. Maybe I should have.
I went home feeling soooo rejected from my non-date. As soon as I got home, I had a message from another guy for dinner that night, which lifted my spirits a bit. I guess you could say that I had a "double date header", but I still consider the first half of that Sunday a non-date.
LESSON LEARNED: Date a guy who wants to pick up the phone and get to know you before you go out with him.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Friends In Low Places
Things with the Camarillo Cowboy started on good footing. He'd made several contacts by phone and proved to be conversationally capable. He was a blue collar working man who owned his own home and several large trucks. He invited me out for an early evening of sushi and depending how the date went, we could go from there.
He was definitely cute--the tall, dark and handsome type. About 36 years old, he claimed his age proudly and said that he was ready to settle and meet the right girl. As we chatted and flirted over dinner, I learned that his stepdad was a pastor at a nearby church. Brownie points! Christian and from a Christian family! In my mind I pictured a close-knit family such as my own, believing and encouraging one another in Christ. Definitely a good sign. He must have liked me too, because he took my hand as we left the restaurant. Sigh*
We had finished dinner rather quickly, and not wanting the night to end too soon, we decided to head out for some pool playing. I was more than happy to shoot pool. Growing up in a family with four brothers and being the only girl, one can imagine how competitive and tomboyish I can be. It's amazing that I wear dresses at all. Playing pool would be my chance to show him I've "got skillz." We arrived at our destination around the corner and headed in.
Looking around, two things became apparent. First, every employee working in the bar was between the ages of "do I look drunk?" to "just went to Vegas for the first time" i.e. they were all about 18-23. No biggie, I thought. We're just the ol' folk out for a night of pool. Nothing out of place there. However, the second thing that I quickly noticed was that EVERY busboy, barmaid, server and bartender in the place knew Camarillo Cowboy by name.
"Dude, where were you last night?" asked one pimply-faced server. (Also, his other name apparently was "Dude.") "We had a killer party and you missed out!"
He responded with a knuckle bump and the "slap hug" guys love to give each other. The server left and my date turned to back to me. Chuckling to himself, "yeah, we were up 'til four in the morning last weekend. They like to come over to my house after the bar shuts down." As I digested this, my date stepped away to answer his cell phone for the third time. (Note to self, this is also not a good sign.)
He had returned. "Four in the morning? Seriously?" I held it together but continued to inquire further. I had assumed to he was over the party scene, But I soon realized I was out on a date with Frat Boy! My visions of him mentoring the poor wayward youth vanished, In its place was a bachelor with his cell phone blowing up every other minute, meanwhile having Oxnard Junior College's finest coming over at all hours of the night. I was stuck. Either head out now or just grin and bear it. I chose the latter and then I beat him at a game of pool.
Lesson Learned: When he has friends in low places, steer clear. I've already been to that rodeo and I'm over it!
He was definitely cute--the tall, dark and handsome type. About 36 years old, he claimed his age proudly and said that he was ready to settle and meet the right girl. As we chatted and flirted over dinner, I learned that his stepdad was a pastor at a nearby church. Brownie points! Christian and from a Christian family! In my mind I pictured a close-knit family such as my own, believing and encouraging one another in Christ. Definitely a good sign. He must have liked me too, because he took my hand as we left the restaurant. Sigh*
We had finished dinner rather quickly, and not wanting the night to end too soon, we decided to head out for some pool playing. I was more than happy to shoot pool. Growing up in a family with four brothers and being the only girl, one can imagine how competitive and tomboyish I can be. It's amazing that I wear dresses at all. Playing pool would be my chance to show him I've "got skillz." We arrived at our destination around the corner and headed in.
Looking around, two things became apparent. First, every employee working in the bar was between the ages of "do I look drunk?" to "just went to Vegas for the first time" i.e. they were all about 18-23. No biggie, I thought. We're just the ol' folk out for a night of pool. Nothing out of place there. However, the second thing that I quickly noticed was that EVERY busboy, barmaid, server and bartender in the place knew Camarillo Cowboy by name.
"Dude, where were you last night?" asked one pimply-faced server. (Also, his other name apparently was "Dude.") "We had a killer party and you missed out!"
He responded with a knuckle bump and the "slap hug" guys love to give each other. The server left and my date turned to back to me. Chuckling to himself, "yeah, we were up 'til four in the morning last weekend. They like to come over to my house after the bar shuts down." As I digested this, my date stepped away to answer his cell phone for the third time. (Note to self, this is also not a good sign.)
He had returned. "Four in the morning? Seriously?" I held it together but continued to inquire further. I had assumed to he was over the party scene, But I soon realized I was out on a date with Frat Boy! My visions of him mentoring the poor wayward youth vanished, In its place was a bachelor with his cell phone blowing up every other minute, meanwhile having Oxnard Junior College's finest coming over at all hours of the night. I was stuck. Either head out now or just grin and bear it. I chose the latter and then I beat him at a game of pool.
Lesson Learned: When he has friends in low places, steer clear. I've already been to that rodeo and I'm over it!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Death by Facebook
I was going out with Tennis Guy for a short period of time. We had gone out on five or six dates and had made it to the level of "friends" on facebook. He was good-looking, had a good career and was a strong Christian who was ready to settle down. We had one major setback going against us: He was "G.U." For those of you who don't know the dating lingo, this stands for Geographically Undesirable. He lived about an hour away, providing there was no traffic.
In some relationships, this can be a good time to tackle that laundry or return phone calls to friends, but it can also limit the little surprise drop-ins when you just need a hug from the new squeeze. So a lot of our daily contact was through Facebook.
My guy friend Jeff would routinely change his status on facebook for EVERYONE to comment on; one day he was "divorced," another he was listed as "it's complicated," and then the next day he was listed as "married." Jeff and I are of a similar sense of humor and joked about how many people loved to freak out over his change in status.
So taking Jeff's lead one day, I decided to change my status to "It's complicated," and "interested in women." I thought this was stinking hilarious. And for anyone who knows me, knows for sure that I was joking. Within minutes of this change, I recieved a text message from Tennis Guy that read "What??? i thought u liked men! Did i change ur mind?" I couldn't contain my laughter. I responded with a quick text that read "well, I was, but the jury's still out on you." I changed my status back to "single" but couldn't help but I giggle all day long thinking how silly I was.
On our next date, Tennis Guy immediately sat me down. His face serious, he proceeded to tell me that he could not be in a relationship with someone who had confusion about their attraction toward the same sex. WHAT???
Flustered, I tried to convince him of my warped sense of humor and explain to him about my buddy Jeff and the whole Facebook inside joke. It came out lamely something like this, "um, my buddy Jeff did it so I did it." I could almost hear my mother in my ear saying "well, if everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it?" What I did not realize was that this marked the beginning of the end. With him mistrusting my "lifestyle choices" and coupled with the GU issue, our relationship wilted overnight.
Lesson learned: Not everyone has the same sense of humor. Be careful of what you write on Facebook!
.
In some relationships, this can be a good time to tackle that laundry or return phone calls to friends, but it can also limit the little surprise drop-ins when you just need a hug from the new squeeze. So a lot of our daily contact was through Facebook.
My guy friend Jeff would routinely change his status on facebook for EVERYONE to comment on; one day he was "divorced," another he was listed as "it's complicated," and then the next day he was listed as "married." Jeff and I are of a similar sense of humor and joked about how many people loved to freak out over his change in status.
So taking Jeff's lead one day, I decided to change my status to "It's complicated," and "interested in women." I thought this was stinking hilarious. And for anyone who knows me, knows for sure that I was joking. Within minutes of this change, I recieved a text message from Tennis Guy that read "What??? i thought u liked men! Did i change ur mind?" I couldn't contain my laughter. I responded with a quick text that read "well, I was, but the jury's still out on you." I changed my status back to "single" but couldn't help but I giggle all day long thinking how silly I was.
On our next date, Tennis Guy immediately sat me down. His face serious, he proceeded to tell me that he could not be in a relationship with someone who had confusion about their attraction toward the same sex. WHAT???
Flustered, I tried to convince him of my warped sense of humor and explain to him about my buddy Jeff and the whole Facebook inside joke. It came out lamely something like this, "um, my buddy Jeff did it so I did it." I could almost hear my mother in my ear saying "well, if everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it?" What I did not realize was that this marked the beginning of the end. With him mistrusting my "lifestyle choices" and coupled with the GU issue, our relationship wilted overnight.
Lesson learned: Not everyone has the same sense of humor. Be careful of what you write on Facebook!
.
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